Done with This...

I'm Done with This

Hello, 38 1/2. (Half years count, my three kids have taught me that!). How did I get here, and why am I still chubby, damn it?

Here's my life in decades, as they relate to my weight:

0-10, normal kid in rural America gets chubby after tonsillectomy in first grade! I can eat well without all those sore throats, and so I do! Chubby from 7-10 years, ate lots of ramen and junk food in our pantry despite my mom's beautiful meals and lush gardens.

10-20, followed Weight Watchers, using exchange system in seventh and eighth grade. Slimmed down, walked a lot, generally healthy weight until college at 18. Freshmen to Junior years in college, gained 15-40 pounds during the school year and generally exercised a lot and shed pounds during the summer. I think I had a short stint with Weight Watchers for a few months in college.

20-30 graduated from college at 22, about 40 pounds overweight. Taught a semester of high school at a maddening pace and gained more. Visited Austin, Texas, and loved it so much I relocated there at 23. Dug in, eating less and well, and exercised a lot, especially with my dear roommate Crystal. Met a cute boy and stayed relatively slim for two more years. Married boy in there. Marriage equals new foods around and unconditional love. Little exercise, then pregnancy at 27 blows the doors off. Gained about 50 pounds while pregnant. Moved back East to be close to parents,did Weight Watchers again and lost about 25 pounds...now weighing about 200lbs on a 5 foot frame!

30-38 1/2 had second baby a few weeks shy of 31. Weight at birth up 50 pounds from last weight loss...now 250+/-. Did Atkins, treadmill some, but never figured out how to take really good care of myself and be a mother. We ate beautiful gourmet foods, but with little thought as to how much exercise was needed to burn all the fat in the rich dishes I made. 32, moved back to Texas to be near now retired parents and sister/brother-in-law. Two kids, new house, job I hated. Stayed around 225-250, weighed in around 265 before giving birth to son at 33. Tried Weight Watchers again for a couple of months, worked out inconsistently, started a business.

Where Am I Now?

I never, ever made a permanent lifestyle change...exercise is necessary for me every day.  It can be walking with a couple of sessions of strength training each week.  I'm not a maniac, but this body must move.  Periods of sustained ideal weight have shown me that.

I have been fortunate to work with a personal trainer off and on over the last year, and I know exactly how to lose weight eating organic, healthful foods. I know I must move my body daily and that I carry around more than 100 pounds of fat every day.  I don't need more information, I just need to do.

I have three kids and a husband that need me to be there for them.

I co-own a preschool with my sister and a base for our educational philosophy is healthful eating, balance between work life and home life, and the importance of functional movement (play for kids) in nature. I don't look the part! In fact, I can sometimes see surprise in people's faces when they realize I am one of the people behind the creation of this amazing school and associated businesses.

I am usually the chubbiest mom at school parties, and my kids notice. I can eat more than most people. I am easy going and pretty non-competitive, so it's hard for me to get worked up about my physical state sometimes.

But, this weight is having an effect on my life...

I hate having a my picture taken, so there are very few pictures of me with my husband or
children. Even at special events in their lives. There are no family portraits or pictures of me holding my new baby(ies) in the hospital.

I weigh a little too much to ride a horse with my kids.  They like riding horses.

I have a high school class reunion soon and I want to feel at ease during the requisite judging of others that goes on.

I want people to see me as a healthful leader at my school and amid my industry colleagues as I start a year of professional development that is the stuff of my dreams.

I want to be done with this disappointing aspect of my life.  It takes emotional energy to be fat.

I want my lovely husband and children say I'm beautiful and I want to believe it.

It's time to make real changes.  Stay tuned.  I'm going to put on my workout clothes...