I think when you're overweight, at some point you stop living in your body. You stop looking closely at it in the mirror, you don't notice that you're getting winded easier, and you ignore messages that you don't need to eat more because you are full. Like me, you can even shut out constant internal notions that you feel uncomfortable putting your overweight self out into the world or into clothes that don't flatter.
Would you believe that I have not owned a full length mirror in ten years? I didn't purposely stop having one in my home, but after a move, and heavier after my first child, I never replaced the mirror missing from my household. I avoid mirrors that show more of me than from the waist up. Look into a dressing room mirror? Forget it. I'd rather try something on and feel if it fits rather than look up at the mirror(s) in there. Usually,I will just take something home and risk having to return it. Sometimes, I'll even put a shirt or dress on over my own clothes in Target rather than hit the dressing room, reasoning that if it fits over clothes, it's a fit!
Do you know that it would be Hell to me to wake up every morning beside a closet with mirrored doors? I hate when elevators surround me with mirrors on all sides after a sweaty trip to a hotel. I hate to run upon a giant wall mirror or floor length mirror while I shop. I most especially hate to stare at myself while getting my hair cut. It is practically a death sentence when I must stare at myself in a mirror while under the glare of its wicked, wicked cousin, the fluorescent light.
I need to get real, though. I need to have a way to measure my upcoming progress. I am going to buy a floor length mirror for my walk-in closet this week, and I'm going to take pictures in my workout wear to document where I've been.
Step one might have been to stay in my "right mind", but the next step is to live in this body and literally see it as it is for the first time in a long while...
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This morning, my girls and I rode over to the local middle school track and did some interval training for 30 minutes, running and walking. I want to be a good role model for the girls, but also I want to be accountable to them. I don't want to skip workouts or get too far gone with food without my family noticing. I hold them accountable for homework and chores, but I bet they don't know how much I need my family to help me stay on track. That I am weak. That it scares me to consider that I could put weeks of work and attention into this round of weight loss, only to fail again because of my own weakness.
I do not jest when I say thank goodness drugs and the overuse of alcohol were never tempting to me. Food is some sort of drug or past time for me, and I can't imagine staring down heroin or alcohol with my addictive nature. Food is hard enough to kick. It's hard to get a body that is happy being sedentary to move.
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It was family dinner night at my mom's house. I left feeling proud that I had kept myself under control! I noticed my reminder bracelet several times.
Breakfast
coffee with a splash of flavored creamer
2 egg omelet with peppers, onions, ham, and Cholula hot sauce
Lunch
cubed roasted turkey dipped in barbecue sauce
sauerkraut
Dinner
bun-less grass fed beef burger w/ mayo, pickle, lettuce, tomato and ketchup
sliced tomatoes
1/4 cup cracked wheat salad (cracked wheat, cucumber, tomatoes, parsley, feta, lemon vinaigrette)
coffee w/ a little flavored creamer
small slice lime pie
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